Monday, January 29, 2007

[feng-a-ling]
100 posts alr?!whoa!
so this is the 101th post!

anyways.ive been a 'dead' blogger so please forgive me.
so i shall move on to a more serious note.
i am truly sorry for not being able to join u guys in wotever outings n study sessions.i really mean it.and if u guys are wondering if im too preoccupied with my new friends n are neglecting u guys,i wanna explain dat on one hand, yes, i do have my friends(which i seldom hang out with them), but on the other hand i have cca(syf this yr),and tuitions, and i know liling is almost in de same situation as me bt somehw she can manage her time well n u know im nt exactly good in that area. bsides, ive alr explained to liling abt this n i do wanna emphasize dat i still treasure u guys n wanna be with u guys,as much as when we were in dunman.i really do.

im nt exactly good with wrds so pls pardon me.

im gg to talk abt an incident now and maybe u guys wldnt care but i feel i do have a need to tell u guys as i want u all to understand hw i feel.just yesterday(or rather de day bfore dat), when i came for de study session(270107) i was late (again). now u must understand dat everytime im late i feel bad.and when i feel bad i feel awkward ard u guys n tend to just shut up n brood.so when i reached, wots even worse is that dere were no seats left so i went to another table.its okay for me to do that,im nt blaming u guys bt instead i felt bad dat i actually caused some of u to have to move seats, to not being able to sit with de rest bt to sit with me.like i bring u guys inconvenience.so while brooding, i could hear de other table laughing happily n im like 'oh man im depriving yl n mic of their share of fun.jus cos of me'. but i was sad also cos i felt so far n out,like i cant click with u guys.to join in de fun n jus being able to laugh with u guys.and so i was really sad.bt i thot it wld make de situation even worse if i started crying,like it wld be so awkward n all so i didnt.

nw at this point u must be thinking 'she's over-sensitive'.maybe i am.bt dats hw i felt.

but de whole point is that i feel really out cos im alws late, and sometimes i cant join u guys at all!even major events like new years' eve,genting trip i cldnt make it n lots.n i know for a fact that once someone frm de grp is constantly missing on gatherings, she will be 'talked about'.n probably ive been 'discussed' several times(i doesnt matter,i understand) hence i decided to explain to liling my situation,hoping she'll relay it to u guys.

maybe u might be thinking 'well then just come for de gatherings n everything will be solved!wy bother whining there bt nt taking action?'.all i can say is im trying to.i really am.

and u guys know i think too much.and i feel so insecure ard u guys.im alws constantly thinking 'do they really want me to join them?am i like extra?' and i alws feel that whenever im with u guys i see dat some of u arent exactly happy.i know im probably imagining(maybe im not).some of u might be pissed with me even.and it has alws crossed my mind that my name might even be struck off the list.u guys have never left my mind.im alws missing de times we had, n wishing we never left dmn so we cld alws be tgt.yeah, those were the days.

maybe this is called drifting apart.i never reamt that i'll be in this situation.i thought that with constant contact with another friend frm de grp i'll be in separable.but i guess dats nt de way things turn out to be.maybe i took things for granted.wotever it is, i regret for de way things turned out.and im really sorry.

wotever i just said might be crap to u.bt its really hw i feel.u might dismiss it as smth insignificant bt really, as i still treat u all as my close friends, i blieve in confiding.sorry for making u read a depressing entry.i hope things will turn out better.

btw.my saturadys are really screwed up. i have choir in de morning n tuition in de afternoon n it alws take longer than it shld.so im alws late.im trying to do smth abt it meanwhile pls pardon me.
thanks alot for ur understanding.

love u guys always.(i know this sounds so cliche bt im nt saying it just for de sake of doing so)
take care.